A.B.C.s of S.U.P. – B

Hidden Ways to Set Intimate Boundaries in a New Relationship.

Have you ever had a conversation with someone who has just started an intimate relationship, and they ask you some questions about their relationship? 

Well, here is the dialogue –

Them: Hey, I was wondering if he is really into me. I mean, is our relationship going to go any further?

Me: What? Haven’t you guys started having sex?

Them: Well, Yes.

Me: Then why don’t you ask them – if you can cross that sexual line and cannot have a conversation about intimate things or things that matter to you, isn’t that starting the relationship out backward?

I have had, unfortunately, plenty of conversations along that line, which tells me there needs to be a conversation and understanding on both sides regarding the expectations of that relationship. Even at the very beginning!

Another example. I remembered was watching this court show, and the judge asked the ex-boyfriend some basic questions about his ex-girlfriend the one he was suing– the judge asked when they started dating, when they broke up, and her birthday; he was not able to recall any of the three dates. (And by the way the ex-girlfriend’s birthday was July 4th).

Then the judge asked when his mother’s birthday was, and he answered immediately.

That sound like there were no intimate boundaries established between them in the beginning, middle or end! Or he was bitter with the break up.

Today we are on the letter B.

We will be discussing the word boundaries and in particular intimate boundaries. There are all sorts of rules known and unknown in a relationship. And we will be discussing them here.

Hidden Ways to Set Intimate Boundaries in a New Relationship

But first let us discuss the purpose of A.B.C.’s of S.U.P.  

Purpose

The A.B.C.s of S.U.P. Blog Seek Understanding and Peace (S.U.P.) is an incredible resource, providing the words necessary to propel personal growth, inspire motivation, and offer unwavering encouragement.

Prepare to embark on a journey of self-liberation and discover the path to lasting change.

Discover captivating stories, invaluable resources, and expert tips on your peace journey. Find inspiring ideas to be calm. Let’s welcome each day and work towards lasting peace, one step at a time!

Click on the link below. Last year (June 2023) was the first time we used the letter B.

B – Boundaries “Powerful Ways to Set Boundaries”

There, I covered different boundaries for various relationships you will encounter.

Here, I am addressing a specific type of boundary and relationship, and that is someone you are sexual and intimate with, be it a partner or spouse.

Setting Boundaries in a Settled Way.

When a person says – I am looking for something long-term, or I am looking for something short-term, you understand upfront what type of relationship it is. Or at the very least what type of relationship they are wanting. This counts down on miscommunication and time wasted on both sides.

I probably would not do it on the first date, but a few dates in, I would express what type of relationship is desired.

People are at different stages of their lives some may be tired of the dating life and are ready to settle down and find a partner to share they’re everything with.

While others may say, nope I am still trying to figure out myself and what’s out there.

This boundary establishes what type of relationship you two are in – early on. If it is a fling for one and a commitment for the other, you will have problems and hurt feelings, especially when the other partner moves on so effortlessly.

What are Boundaries?

Boundaries is a line you draw in the sand that you do not want anyone to cross. Sometimes, boundaries are spoken or unspoken. In this case, it is spoken.

Why Boundaries

Establishing boundaries in a relationship is crucial for maintaining respect and understanding. It’s essential to have open and honest communication with your partner about intimacy and sex, including what they like and what they don’t like.

This way, you won’t be left wondering or guessing about their preferences.

Without clear communication, both partners may become frustrated. On the other hand, when you are both on the same page due to sincere communication, the possibilities for your relationship can be limitless.

Setting intimate boundaries helps you get to know and understand what makes each other tick. Do you know what puts a smile on their face? Or do they know what is upsetting you and making you unhappy, or doing things that please you? They will not understand without a conversation. Inside the bedroom and outside the bedroom.

I am Not a Mind Reader

Boundaries Can Change

Boundaries in a relationship can change over time due to different reasons. As a responsible partner, it is vital to communicate with your significant other if they used to do something that you once enjoyed but now bothers you. Letting them know the updated situation and communicating your current preferences is crucial. Or vice versal

When To Set Boundaries

It is always good to set some boundaries at the beginning of a relationship as I stated before. So that you know what is expected from each other. You can always add as the relationship progresses.

“Hidden Ways to Set Intimate Boundaries in a New Relationship.”

It’s important for both of you to set some boundaries, especially when the relationship is new and blooming. Avoiding misunderstandings and oversharing is crucial to prevent driving each other away. It’s okay to gradually share your boundaries instead of laying them all out at once in the beginning.

What are the Different Types of Boundaries?

• Physical Boundaries
• Emotional Boundaries
• Time Boundaries
• Sexual Boundaries
• Intellectual Boundaries
• Material Boundaries
• Financial Boundaries
• Non-Negotiable Boundaries
• And Spiritual Boundaries

Today, we will discuss intimate related boundaries.

Relationship Boundaries

If you caught your lover looking through your cell phone would that be, okay?

Do you feel comfortable displaying affection in public?
Do we want to know each other’s passwords or follow each other online? Are you free to look through each other’s phones?
I do not know, but whatever is comfortable for the two of you would be some things to discuss.

As I said before establishing boundaries within a relationship establishes mutual respect; both are heard and valued. It shows the other person’s needs are essential to you.

Here are some more boundaries that need to be discussed.

Maintaining Personal Autonomy, or

(Your Own Selfness)

this type of boundary helps you maintain you without losing yourself. You can mesh and keep your individuality without suffocating each other.

Clarifying expectations can define the rules of the relationship. Like how much time to spend together, if you like a lot of company, or if you do not like too much socializing.

Alone Time –

sounds counterproductive, but you must each have some alone time to refresh, regather, and maintain your identity. When you come together again, there is an appreciation for your time together.

But the decision has to be agreed upon. There are many variations; you both could do your own thing simultaneously and decide when to come together again, or if you have small children, you could take turns with your alone time—making sure not to make the other person feel guilty when it is their turn.

Therefore, understanding where each other stands will save many future disagreements, heartache, and pain, so, being willing to discuss it now will benefit you both.

Understanding each other’s needs and preferences is crucial for a healthy and harmonious relationship. By clarifying expectations, individuals can define their relationship’s guidelines and boundaries.

By understanding each other’s perspectives on these matters, couples can prevent misunderstandings and conflicts that may arise in the future.

Open and honest communication about these expectations is critical to building a solid foundation and fostering mutual understanding in any relationship.

Without understanding each other’s boundaries, one may feel overwhelmed with the other’s demands or expectations. Do they expect you to do all the cleaning and cooking, care for the children and pets, and work outside the home while performing in the bedroom? Time to talk.

Conflict Resolution Boundaries provide a reference for resolving conflicts.

1. Stay on Topic it is easy to get distracted and off subject.
2. Do not fight dirty.
3. Be willing to compromise.

Talk It Out –

Communicate your needs – Have a conversation and share your thoughts. Try and not do this when you are upset.

Accept Your Past and Theirs –

Decide how much you will share about your past and be honest. Discuss it and then move past it to focus on your newness.

However, what rules do you have about past relationships? Can they inbox you? Are you both still allowed to have any form of contact with your ex?

And if there are children involved, how will that look with your ex? Those are the things that need to be discussed upfront.

Alone Time –

sounds counterproductive, but you must each have some alone time to refresh, regather, and maintain your identity. When you come together again, there is an appreciation for your time together.

But the decision has to be agreed upon. There are many variations; you both could do your own thing simultaneously and decide when to come together again, or if you have small children, you could take turns with your alone time—making sure not to make the other person feel guilty when it is their turn.

Fidelity Boundaries must be discussed.

How far is too far for you? Is flirting okay with other people? How about watching pornography alone or together or not at all? What is too far for one partner may not be far for the other one.

Money Talk –

If you marry or decide to move in together. Who is better at handling money? Or do you guys want to keep your finances separate and determine who will pay what bills, or will one person be responsible for the bills while the other is responsible for the household?

Discuss Your Extended Family –

Are you used to having Sunday dinners there and want to keep up the tradition? Is your partner on board with that? That could be a problem with some partners because they do not want their Sundays tied down to always going to your family’s home. That would be a conversation to have.

Deal Breakers Boundaries –

We all have them. When discussing, this boundary the conversation does not have to be scary or threatening; you state what would send you over the edge in your relationship with them.

And if they cross this line, there are some things that you may not be willing or able to come back from. What are they? They must be discussed with your partner.

When deal breakers happen, it is usually a trigger for the other person. So, examine this carefully.

Treat your partner how you want to be treated. Now, this makes sense – if you do not like to be yelled at or ridiculed, do not do it to your spouse; if you want them to be accountable for their time, then you need to be responsible for your time. Disappearing for hours on end without so much as a phone call is not healthy for a relationship.

Summing It Up

As you can see, there is much to discuss in a new relationship. Some of these boundaries will be addressed early on, and some, I am sure, will be discussed if you two decide to be in each other’s lives forever and ever. Either way, discussions must be made so you two are on the same page.

Hidden Ways to Set Intimate Boundaries in a New Relationship –

Setting boundaries in a relationship is essential for maintaining healthy communication and mutual understanding. It serves to express your preferences, likes, and dislikes, fostering a respectful and considerate connection with your partner.

You and your partner can cultivate honesty and transparency by openly discussing your emotions and desires, laying the foundation for a solid and harmonious relationship.

When it comes to intimacy, expressing your needs is vital. If you desire more physical intimacy, it’s important to communicate this with your partner in a caring and understanding manner.

Likewise, if there are certain aspects of your shared experiences that you wish to adjust, such as the frequency of travel, having an open conversation is crucial.

Whether it’s about traveling more or less, expressing your desires openly can lead to constructive discussions and better alignment of expectations.

Summing It Up One More Thing

Effective communication and boundary-setting can foster a deeper understanding and respect for each other’s needs and aspirations, ultimately contributing to a more fulfilling and sustainable relationship.

The love you both share is genuine, and that’s a beautiful foundation. However, in a relationship, love alone isn’t always sufficient.

It’s crucial to have open and honest communication to ensure your relationship gets off to a great start. As time goes by, it’s natural for boundaries to shift as people evolve; this is all part of your journey together.

17 Ways of Setting Boundaries in a New Relationship (marriage.com)

**************

Subscribe for some weekly ‘peace’ of wisdom!