Purpose of This Journal
Inspires motivates, and encourages you.
I want to share stories and see how other people are making their peace journey, and who knows, we may be able to incorporate some of the ideas into our lives. We will take it Day by Day and Peace by Peace.
As promised, here we go! This week we are on the letter
“B” –for Boundaries
Many roads can lead to Peace. Sometimes we need to take it Day by Day, Peace by Peace. This week we are going to discuss how you can set boundaries.
Before I started with this subject, I thought of boundaries as being two things: physically, like you are in my space, and emotionally you protect your heart from certain people because of past experiences, so you are more guarded and protected. However, after researching, I realized at least seven more types of boundaries exist. And we are going to cover each one of them.
Definition of Boundaries
7 Types of Boundaries You May Need – Black Source Media
Boundaries have several definitions, and I would like to share them all to understand what boundaries are and are not.
It is defined as a line that marks the limit of an area. A dividing line.
- Another definition is an imaginary line that separates me from you. It separates your physical space, your feelings, needs.
- Something that shows where an area ends and another area begins
- A point or limit that indicates where two things become different
- Unofficial rules about what should not be done
While typing all of these definitions of boundaries, I am reminded of a story once again about my mother. Let me set the stage for you if you have not listened to Mother’s Secret Podcast. My mother had breast cancer and was weak. About three months before she passed – now hear what I just said three months – I was preparing her a light meal.
She was in the T.V. room watching one of her reruns,
and I was coming down the hall towards her – her back was turned from me, and I could not remember what we were talking about. I said something she did not like and immediately knew I did, but it was too late for me to take it back.
The words had already left my mouth.
I immediately knew that I had crossed an imaginary line, and I was scared in my mind. I quietly stepped back behind that imaginary line my mom had for me. And as I was thinking this, my mother turned around slowly, looked at me, and quietly put me in my place. I was not sad.
I was scared because even at that moment, she still had her boundaries that I dared not cross.
She had enough energy to turn around with deliberation and gave me that look like I had gone too far, but that spoke to how important boundaries are and how stubborn she was till the end.
Why – Set Boundaries
Setting boundaries is a form of self-care. You are teaching people how you want to be treated. When no boundaries are set, I guarantee you will get taken advantage of or taken for granted. Most times, it is from our loved ones. They do not set out to hurt, use or take advantage of you, but it’s game on if they don’t know the rules. And if there are no rules, it’s a free for all. Boundaries not set can leave you feeling frustrated, used, and unappreciated.
The Different Types of Boundaries
- Physical Boundary – Personal Space
- Emotional Boundary – Emotional Well Being
- Time Boundaries – How A Person Manages Their Time
- Sexual Boundaries – Protects Your Right To Consent
- Intellectual Boundaries – Your Thoughts And Ideas
- Material Boundaries – Your Possessions
- Financial Boundaries – Protect Your Finances
- Non-Negotiable Boundaries – Deal Breakers
- Spiritual Boundaries – Believe and Worship where I want
Physical Boundaries
Where ever you are in your personal space, you can dictate how you want that space occupied if someone is sitting too close, you can readjust how you sit or move. This one is pretty easy. You usually put up barriers when you don’t want someone in your space. If it is a neighbor, then it’s a fence or shrubs or bushes. If it is your personal space, you let the person know what is accepted and not accepted in your personal space. Some may say they do not allow smoking in their home, drinking, or loud noise after a particular hour. It is your space, and you can set boundaries.
Emotional Boundaries
We are both to respect each other’s emotional boundaries. I like this one emotional boundary that says when I cry, it does not give you the right to make me feel bad for crying, emotional boundaries say I am allowed to feel what I feel, and I need them to be validated. In return, it can create a safe place for both of you to express yourselves openly and honestly.
Time Boundaries
Time boundaries are something I am aware of the most, and I did not realize that was what it was called. People’s time is valuable; you are reading this because you are sharing your valuable time with me. And for that, I thank you. But you may have someone in your life that insist you spend all your time either with them or doing for them. You must start setting a time boundary with these people—family and all.
Sexual Boundaries
Sexual boundary says you need to be open about what you like sexually. If something makes you uncomfortable, there needs to be a conversation. How often, where, when, and how. You have the right to enjoy it as well.
Intellectual Boundaries
I have the right to my thoughts and ideas and do not have to think like you. I do not have to agree with everything you say for us to be okay. It is okay to be myself. This does not mean I do not respect your intellectual boundaries; it may mean we need to have a conversation, or we can agree to disagree.
Material Boundaries
Your possessions are yours. Material boundaries refer to money and what you own; if you want to loan to someone, you can; if you want to lend money to someone, that is your right. Remember not to feel pressured to loan or lend if you do not have it to give or don’t want to give, and you have the right to say no.
Financial Boundaries
Financial boundaries go hand in hand with material boundaries; this is where you have a limit on how much you will spend. And you have a limit on how much you will loan. You have a budget and may not say yes to everyone wanting to borrow from you. You may not have the funds or don’t want to. Financial boundaries also say if you want something and can not afford it, you do not get it at that moment. You may need to save up for it.
Non-negotiable Boundaries
Non-Negotiable boundaries are deal breakers, plain and simple. Something that if they cross that non-negotiable boundary line, you are done. A non-negotiable boundary can be different for everyone. For some, it may be physical or emotional abuse, adultery, drugs, or alcohol.
Spiritual Boundaries
Spiritual boundaries say I can worship where and who I want. You do not have the right to tell me how. I would not appreciate anyone telling me I can not attend church or worship my God or that I could pray.
After going over the nine different boundaries in a nutshell,
it sounds like these are rules you have in place to make you feel safe and validated. These rules and your choices set you apart from the next person but, at the same time, help you to respect others’ rights as well.
Why Set Boundaries
What is the purpose of setting boundaries? Off the top of my head, if you do not set boundaries, you can become quite angry, end up catering to others, and feel neglected and used. You could be resentful of your loved ones expecting them to read your mind, but they are not mind readers. You could feel that you do not deserve to set boundaries because others will think less of you. That is that critic inside your head telling you lies.
Listen to the Podcast “Why Your Self-worth Matters and How To Build It Up.” Parts One and Two I found an article titled “What Are Boundaries and Why Do I Need Them?
What Are Boundaries and Why Do I Need Them? – Live Well with Sharon Martin
They List Four Reasons Why To Set Boundaries.
- Setting Boundaries – Allows You To Be You – it is not good to walk around and feel you cannot voice how you feel or what you are willing to do.
- Creating Boundaries – Is A Form Of Self-Love – remember the golden rule to Peace if you do not love yourself, there is no way you will be your best for others.
- Setting Boundaries – Set Realistic Expectations. If boundaries are set, they know what you are willing to do.
- Setting Boundaries – Creates Safety for you and the other person.
This Same Article Lists Five Reasons A Person Would Hesitate To Set Boundaries.
- Fearful Of What Others May Think
- Ambivalence Does Not Believe It Will Work
- You Do Not Know How
- Low-Self Worth Listen to the Podcast “Why Your Self-worth Matters and How To Build It Up.” Parts One and Two
- People Pleaser
Understandably, you would be anxious or hesitant, especially with no boundaries. However, think of this if you do not, then not only are you cheating yourself, but you are cheating your loved ones. Suppose your children see you constantly bending to everyone else’s demands. That will teach them to start using people and not respecting their boundaries or, worse, not learning to set boundaries for themselves.
But remember what will happen when you do not set boundaries;
you will feel taken advantage of and used. How that would look to others is anger, bitterness, depression, and resentment. At the same time, the world has moved on. –
How To Set Boundaries
how to set boundaries – Search (bing.com)
- Practice self-awareness
- Name your limits
- Say No Sometimes
- Upholding your Boundaries
- Start Small
- Get Help/Support
Who are these boundaries for anyone in your life, past, present, and future? You may need a minute to tap into you. If you have been catering to others, you may need to sit and think about what you need and want. Do not beat around the bush; say what you mean and mean what you say. Of course, you do not have to be angry or yell and shout because you need them to hear and understand you. And start small because you could become overwhelmed, as well as your loved ones. If you start small, you will likely stick with your set boundaries.
And surround yourself with people that understand and will support you.
Think of it as this everywhere you go there are boundaries, or we could call them rules for acting or treating one another. When you walk into your bank, you cannot just go to the teller and ask or demand your money you have to show the proper identification and fill out a deposit or withdrawal slip.
Otherwise, you would get arrested, which would be a whole different ballgame. There are boundaries and expectations regarding how we do everything. If you have not already, I encourage you to take that step because you are worth it.
Now I will share which boundary spoke to me.
The Intellectual Boundary was the one that I had to learn. I negated to establish my voice; therefore, my ideas and thoughts were lost. I went from my parent’s home to getting married. After high school, I graduated from a 12-month business college and married. And being that young, I did not know myself and hadn’t experienced much in life until that point.
So, I pushed my thoughts and ideas to the side,
thinking I was doing it for the betterment of my family and loved ones. But deep down, I knew it was because I was afraid and wanted people to like me. I did not want to disappoint others. But by taking it Day by Day and Peace by Peace. I know how to communicate my boundaries to my loved ones effectively. And the bonus is – there is a significant amount of respect on both sides now.
Summary – B for Boundaries
We have discussed nine types of boundaries and how to apply them to your life effectively. Establishing boundaries in your life will lead you to the road to Peace. Setting boundaries will create calmness in your life, plus those around you.
Have you set your boundaries? Which one spoke to you today? Please share in the comment section below.
As always, thank you for being here with me on this day. I look forward to seeing you next time!
Speak Your Peace –